Grief

This post has been a draft in my blog since February, there hasn't been a right moment to post it and I don't know if there ever will be. The next few weeks are going to be tough, Tony and Tyler's birthday is November 19th and then on December 5th it has been a year since Tyler passed.

Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.

It has almost been a year since we lost Tyler. Every moment is different for me. I think about him every day for different reasons. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's a memory, sometimes it's wonder. I think about the future and how it will affect our family, holidays and how I will handle it with Presley. I constantly think about my parents and how they are dealing with it and more often than not I worry about Tony, my brother but Tyler's twin. I can't say that when Tyler passed everything was sunshine and rainbows between us and if I did I would be lying not only to you but to myself. It doesn't change how I feel. I love him but he had personal struggles that we won't ever know the answers to.

It is a very sensitive subject. I am more aware of comments and conversations about dieing or death. I've met more Tyler's than I care to admit and who knew there were so many twins in the world! I will continue to talk about him in casual conversation. In fact, I'd rather someone ask me if they have questions or want to talk about it. Yes, it is hard but I don't mind talking about it instead of it being the elephant in the room. Although, I know most people don't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. But for someone to say something, anything...means something to me. I have good days and bad days with moments that I am overcome with uncontrollable emotion. I will always think about Tyler and the joy that he brought to our family and friends, I will always love him .